Today the sun is streaming through the glass, the floor feels warm to the touch where the carpet bathes in the light, it should make me feel hopeful, but it's not really working.
Even with the bright, cheery sky, so much more uplifting than the grey rain-soaked streets at the weekend, I can't find my way to a smile.
Things were going so well, I was working, studying, socialising, having a jolly time of things. Then it ended. My contract came to a close, and there was nothing else for me there, so I'm back to being completely broke, struggling for bus fare, sitting in one place filling out job application after application, hearing nothing back. Worrying about how I'm going to pay my bills this summer, dreading having to return to the cretins at the job centre, who say things like "if you took your degree off your CV, you might have more luck with low-skilled jobs" as though the 3 years of blood, sweat and tears, not to mention the £20,000 student debt was all for nothing and matters not a jot.
I have a dissertation to write over the summer, I just need a job that'll tide me over until I'm finished and can look for a full-time, permanent career type thing.
My friends are all in different places, my best friend just bought a house with her boyfriend, she's one of the few with a stable job, my other best friend is still at uni getting his degree, and living off student loan money. Others are working as many hours as they can fit around their studies, teaching piano, stock taking in high street shops, pulling pints. A few are doing more off-beat things, selling jewellery on etsy, making cakes and painting faces, busking.
The Boy is volunteering while he studies, a useful gap filler on a CV, but something that comes with little in the way of financial aid for bill paying, so you have to either have family support or work as well.
My CV isn't exactly bare, I've done voluntary things since I was 13, and worked since 18, including volunteering while at uni and working at weekends. I can juggle, so I can juggle a job and my dissertation, as long as they're flexible. It was the best thing about my last job, and if it wasn't a charity, and undergoing restructuring (meaning everyone was being made redundant), then perhaps they could have found a way to keep me on. But it wasn't to be.
I've been applying for a whole host of jobs, mostly admin ones, and some of them in the Arts sector (where I'd most like to work). So far nothing. The worst is when you hear nothing, not a yes or a no, just a silence.
I have things I'd like to do this summer, and I have long term plans. But financially I can't do a thing til I get some work.
Even the sun making electric light unnecessary this afternoon can't illuminate things enough for me right now.