Thursday, 7 January 2010

being (necessarily) selfish

I've always been the go to girl for my friends, bringing me their problems, their worries, their tears. Asking for advice. I've always tried to be their for them. To help them pick up the pieces, stitch things back together. That's why it hurt so much when I was feeling incredibly low, lost down the rabbit hole, and no one offered to pick me up and patch the cracks. I wish I'd read this then. And seen that there were ways to rescue myself sooner, rather than it taking me so long to start to recover. I'm wary of leaning on others for anything now. I keep my cards close to my chest and I don't tell people things I don't think they care to hear. I say I'm all better now, but I'm not. Chances are I'll never be 100% anything again. I'm ok with that. My demons can be kept at bay, and can be battled. I can be my own heroine. I see that now. I give less advice, make myself less available. It doesn't mean I care any less, just that I need to give myself advice first. My friends still matter to me, immensely. I just have to matter more.

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