A snippet

"Shed your skin for me"

"That's a new one. I've never been asked that before. I'm not even sure I know how"

"Be open. I want to see you as you really are. Not make-up and fancy clothes. The real you. What's under the clothes?"

"I don't know. Just a girl I guess. I've spent so long being the girl in the clothes, I barely remember who she is without them"

"Shed your skin for me"

We must remember them

we must remember them
The silent millions
Who went before
Those who suffered so greatly
We must remember them
Even if it seems better to forget
Those who died in silence and dark
Whose cries for mercy went unheard
We must remember them
Suffering at the hands of other men
We must remember them
So history never repeats again.

Fragments

She sank like a stone into the abyss, gasping for air, her hands reaching upwards for something to stop her descent. From above she looked like a frozen ghost, her silvery hair drifting around her head, her mouth and eyes full of silent terror.

And then nothing. Just blackness, consuming every last ray of light.

For what feels like an eternity, I see her desperate face again. Her frightened eyes, like a cat caught in the headlights. Her crying mouth calling my name. But I open my eyes, as I closed them then and she vanishes, fades into nothingness.

As always I gasp for air and my body seems held in suspension, waiting for her image to leave my mind. She haunts my dreams and I feel like she watches my every waking second.

The sands of time ran out for her, when they should not have done, and I evade death again. I shudder at my memories, the terrible visions of my own helplessness and her desperation.

Then the weight lifts from my heavy heart, weary with grief. I remember her now, and always will. Her beautiful face and elfin figure, her wild hair and flashing eyes. That laugh fills me more than her last moments, and I feel her light fingers on my arm once more, as she leans in close and whispers "you could have saved me."

A tear falls from my lashes and I tremble inside, knowing I failed her, and will always fail her. My lies are made deeper by her apparation floating around me, inside and out.

In sync with my pounding heart, ticks the clock, as time runs away from me. I rise and open the curtains, looking out into the bleak morning. In the glass I see her reflection, not my own. I turn away and head for the stairs, stumbling in the half light.

The rest of my house is silent, still. No one stirs because I am alone. The room smells like her perfume and I leave it to it's fading end. The kitchen is cold and sterile, it smells of disinfectant and I long for the smells of cooking and people. But there have been no people here in so long.

She is everywhere. Filling the house with her haunting presence. I glance out of the window and see the frozen lake, sparkling in the distance, looking beautiful, hiding how deadly it truly is. I see her face again, hear her voice "You could have saved me". I pull down the blind, hiding the lake from view and turn away. There's no food here, I haven't left the house since she died.

Her last moments flood my mind, visions of her sinking, and my own cowardice rushes through me. She is right, as always, I could have saved her, instead I let her drown. I remember it so clearly, we had rowed and she had run off into the woods, towards the lake. I followed her at a distance. She had taken her skates with her, but the ice was too thin. I arrived to watch her fall into the cavernous black beneath the glittering surface.

And I did nothing.

Things

1. My father's watch is broken.
2. Don't know whether I'm coming or going
3. The key won't fit in the lock
4. I met a stranger today
5. A keyring says a lot about you
6. Chewing bubblegum makes you tired
7. Photos can tell a story
8. Pens are meant for losing
9. Clothes that don't fit are worth it
10. Diaries give you heartache
11. Don't eat yellow snowflakes
12. Novels are a great way to fall asleep
13. Erasers will fall apart
14. Photo frames will fall over
15. Money is everything
16. I will always love you even when I hate you

My favourite poem

It is something to have wept as we have wept,
And something to have done as we have done;
It is something to have watched when all have slept,
And seen the stars which never see the sun.

It is something to have smelt the mystic rose,
Although it break and leave the thorny rods;
It is something to have hungered once as those,
Must hunger who have ate the bread of gods;

To have known the things that from the weak are furled,
The fearful ancient passions, strange and high;
It is something to be wiser than the world,
And something to be older than the sky.

Lo, and blessed are our ears for they have heard,
Yea, and blessed are our eyes for they have seen:
Let the thunder break on human, beast and bird,
And lightning. It is something to have been.

G. K. Chesterton

Still stuck in a rut

Ahrgh!!!!!! I need to pull myself out.

Here's some advice I need to add to my rules for life (more on which soon).

The First Law of Holes: When you're in one, stop digging.

The Second Law of Holes: Throw away the shovel.

I will be posting more often, there's some stuff I really want to write.

Title Blank

I haven't got much to say. Things are a bit weird at the moment. When aren't they? *sigh* I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. It all gets a bit much. Right now I'm going to curl up and watch tv, and just try not to think for a while. Tomorrow I'm going for a long walk up the hill I used to walk up every day to school and take my camera. I need to clear my head. The exercise will do me good too.

Things I want to accomplish before I'm 30

1. Find a job I love in the arts.

2. Get a piece of my writing published.

3. Do some travelling.

4. Live in Paris.

5. Learn to surf.

6. Learn to drive.

7. Learn French properly.

8. Learn another language (maybe Russian or Italian)

9. Become a better photographer and take some awesome photos.

10. Fall in love. Even if it means getting hurt. Life's about taking chances.

11. Finish reading War and Peace.

12. Drive across Australia.

13. Go to Burns' Night in Edinburgh to celebrate my Scottish heritage.

14. Learn how to print things on t-shirts and print up my own slogans and pictures.

15. Research my family history, there's some blanks to fill in and I like a good mystery.

16. Be an extra in a film.

17. Find the perfect pair of polka dot shoes.

18. Take the Trans-Siberian Express across Russia to China.

19. Finish my novel.

20. Find some peace within myself.

Only 7 years to try and fit it all in. Doesn't matter if I don't. It's a work in progress. A bit like life really.

The Human Race

"The human species is both horrible and wonderful. Occasionally, I get very mad at human beings, but there's nothing you can do about it. I like people and I hate them at the same time." ~James Thuber~

Wishes of an elderly gentleman wished at a garden party
I wish I loved the human race,
I wish I loved it's silly face,
I wish I loved the way it walks,
I wish I loved the way it talks,
And when I'm introduced to one,
I wish I thought What Jolly Fun!
~Sir Walter Raleigh~ (1914).

Inspiration (1)

"Whatever you dream you can do, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now."

                                                                     ~Goethe~

being (necessarily) selfish

I've always been the go to girl for my friends, bringing me their problems, their worries, their tears. Asking for advice. I've always tried to be their for them. To help them pick up the pieces, stitch things back together. That's why it hurt so much when I was feeling incredibly low, lost down the rabbit hole, and no one offered to pick me up and patch the cracks. I wish I'd read this then. And seen that there were ways to rescue myself sooner, rather than it taking me so long to start to recover. I'm wary of leaning on others for anything now. I keep my cards close to my chest and I don't tell people things I don't think they care to hear. I say I'm all better now, but I'm not. Chances are I'll never be 100% anything again. I'm ok with that. My demons can be kept at bay, and can be battled. I can be my own heroine. I see that now. I give less advice, make myself less available. It doesn't mean I care any less, just that I need to give myself advice first. My friends still matter to me, immensely. I just have to matter more.

A day in the non-life...

Yet another massively unproductive day. I ran a few errands, lost a loyalty card in the process, came home with the wrong thing and ended up reciting Shakespeare to myself in an attempt to "get my mind off things". This terrible black cloud needs to be exorcised. I'm so fed up of it all.
I did see something strange today though, while waiting for a bus. There was a swan in the street opposite the bus stop, clearly disorientated and lost. A single, solitary swan. And a man, trying to keep the swan from wandering into the main road and causing a collision. He was phoning the RSPCA, and trying to herd the swan on the pavement, away from the cars. My bus came so I don't know how this ended, or what was wrong with the swan, just another moment of randomness I suppose.
I still need to clean my room, properly, scrubbing things down and throwing out random clutter. It won't get done, I procrastinate too much and get distracted too easily. The bookshelves could do with a spring clean too. Well it's not as if I have anything else to do. And I really need to get some writing done and fill out some more applications, for jobs and my masters. I hate application forms. My boots need repairing and there's things to post, but they'll have to wait til I have some money spare. How am I ever going to get out of here?
I need to be more productive, more organised, and more efficient. Leopards can't change their spots, but maybe, just maybe I can change the habits of a lifetime and actually get a life!!

Books, glorious books!!

I'm a huge lit geek, my shelves have quite literally overflowed, now I'm stacking books on the floor. I try m best to donate books to charity shops, or put them on bookmooch, but still they seem to be breeding. Part of the problem is I like my hoard, some of them I'll never part with, and some I tell myself I'll re-read and never get around to it. Certain books have crept in quietly, left an impression and settled in somewhere on the shelves. I have favourite authors, and devour everything they write, and I have individual books I cannot be parted from, ones I've really fallen for and re-read all the time, familiar and well-worn though they may be. I even blog about them.
It's why I did English Lit at uni, why I've always wanted to be a writer, why I taught myself to read at 3, books consume me. I don't want a kindle or ireader or whatever, books possess a magic all their own. I love bookshops, and yes I use Amazon, but it doesn't compare to the joy of rummaging the stacks of an old secondhand bookshop, the touch and smell of old paper, the way it's yellowed with age and love. Finding words someone else once read and loved, learning anew, making a new friend, or reconnecting with an old one.
In an ideal world, I'd have my own library, and it wouldn't matter how many books I had, or what on earth I was planning to do with them all (obvious answer: read them!). But this world isn't ideal, and I don't have a library, so maybe it's time to sort through them and decide what I can bear to be parted with, or maybe I'll just let them sleep on til I take them down, open the cover and bring the characters back to life.

Heroes: Kate Bornstein

Kate Bornstein is one of my heroes because she isn't afraid to be herself, to stand up for her beliefs and to try to change the way things are. She also wrote this awesome book, there's a copy on my shelf right now. It's funny, intelligent and makes me feel that things might just be ok. Her blog is here. Basically she's just darn awesome. More people should know about her and read her books.

Things I Like (2)

Cheesy films, the ones that don't necessarily make a splash but have heart. Like Center Stage or Empire Records (one of my all time favourites). There are plenty of these cluttering up my room, and despite the lack of success, sometimes they're better than a big box office, some of them never made it to the big screen, and that's ok. Means it's more of a secret.

Secrets. I have quite a few things I keep to myself and that's the way it should be.

Terry Pratchett. His books are hysterical. Nation is amazing. He's a very nice man.

Amanda Palmer. She rocks, her blog is something I always read. Her music is awesome.

Neil Gaiman has written some of my favourite books. He's here

My lovely friends. I don't see them as often as I would like, but when I do, it's always good.

My ipod. It's got all my favourite songs on it. Something for any mood.

Taking photos. I want to do this more often. And not just of my friends at the pub or a party. But actual pictures. I could do with a better camera though.

Candy canes. Something that only seems to appear around this time of year, I like the peppermint ones best.

Life Lessons (1)

"Life will break you, nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with it's yearnings. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on Earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."

                         ~ 'The Painted Drum' Louise Erdrich~

From tiny seeds...

So, new year, new you. Ha! Hardly. Same person as I was before the clock struck 12. I've never had a fairy godmother. But I'm starting to think you can be your own. Just bring a bit of glitter into your own life. And seek wisdom for yourself. I think this year I'm going to take more photos, try and actually write something worth reading, see a bit more of life and start over. Last year is done, and dead. Time to move on.

On one of the blogs I follow, there's a list of 10 Commandments that I think aren't just for this year, but useful for life.

So here we go. A new blog, a new experiment, some new experiences. A little more light.

Picture Perfect

I took this when it first snowed a few weeks ago. Looks like a Christmas card.