Friday, 22 July 2011

In which I have not slept properly in ages.

Things are going from bad to worse. I still don't have a job, and therefore have no money. I have bills to pay and it would be nice to be able to go out and do something every once in a while without panicking that I have no money for the train or for anything really.
I keep applying for jobs and praying that someone will decide to hire me. Or at least interview me. So far, nothing.
This is having a knock-on effect on my dissertation, which still remains a few nonsensical sentences and nowhere near the 15000 words I need to have written by the end of next month. It's really not going to happen. I'm too busy stressing over how my life is falling apart.
My dad was in the hospital last week for an operation on his dodgy heart. He almost died. So my mum was very stressed about that, and I was worried for both of them. My dad might drive me a bit nuts at times but I want him around for a bit longer.
I feel like I haven't slept in months. I wake up regularly all night long. I sleep in five minute intervals between lying there panicking about my life. I've been having weird dreams, the other night I dreamt a bee crawled up my nose, it woke me up and I was scared to check whether it was real.
Last night it felt like something had crawled in my ear, I could hear a buzzing like an angry insect right up against my eardrum. It was horrible and I lay there for hours trying to work out if it was real or I'd imagined it. This lack of actual solid sleep is making me more stressed and emotional. I keep crying for no reason (or for very valid reasons) and I can't sleep during the day, too noisy and not dark enough.
I think I need to email my supervisor and explain that I really don't expect my dissertation to be completed on time and see what I have to do to not fail my Masters, I've worked too hard and come too far not to complete it somehow, I just think the deadline is going to be whooshing past without me.
The only things keeping me from tipping over completely into mental breakdown mode is my mum, who's trying to be as supportive as possible and The Boy (if you're reading this, don't, I don't want you to worry). He's being as supportive as he can, considering he has his own worries. Spending time with him allows me to get out of my head a little, I try not to worry about other things when we're together. Sometimes I get a little scared it could all go wrong overnight and I could lose him. I suppose that's perfectly normal. I don't really know.
My friends haven't been as available to me as they were last summer when things were bad. I know they have their own lives and worries, and I understand that. I think I just need to know they're there if I need them. A few friends have been brilliant, one told me about a job at her office and I emailed her boss (fingers crossed he comes back to me), another has been making me laugh on Twitter and I've never met him in real life, others have been making me smile with Facebook status' and silly comments, weird photos and interesting links. Sometimes that's all it takes to make things seem less horrific.
I won a prize, a free cookbook from Innocent Drinks, I entered their competition randomly, and I, who never win anything, won! That should be in the post right now. It's a tiny silver lining on a really dark cloud.
Right, I'm off to try and work out what to say to my dissertation supervisor, fill in another job form or two and have some lunch before I keel over from low blood sugar.

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