Note to future self...

Having felt rather down in the dumps recently, I feel it's time to find a way out of this bitter, twisted place I keep finding myself in. I try not to make New Year's Resolutions, I never keep them and then feel guilty for my failings, but making a promise to myself might be acceptable. So, I promise to try to find the silver lining in the storm clouds, to stop thinking the worst of everything, and to not dwell on the negatives so much. Let's see if the future holds something wonderful in store.

Things I Like (1)

Poirot novels when it's cold and horrid out. I'm not sure what it says about me that I enjoy a good spot of crime solving with Agatha Christie's slueth when the weather's rotten but there we go.

Listening to great music playing. Especially if it's a favourite band/singer, like Jack's Mannequin, Matt Nathanson, Rachael Yamagata, Jack Johnson, Augustana, The Honorary Title, Amanda Palmer, Wakey! Wakey! or Dashboard Confessional.

Cadbury's chocolate buttons, I'm instantly transported to being a child, they're very comforting. Though I can't eat too many or I throw up.

My bed. It's pretty much a given.

Watching a favourite film. And joining in with the lines I know too well.

A beautiful poem. I love poetry, there's a bit stack of anthologies and collections on my floor. Sometimes it lifts my mood and makes me laugh, and sometimes I need something that reflects how I feel.

Writing my own litle scribbles. I do this in a cute owl notebook, the most recent of many notebooks, maybe someday I'll actually share some of this stuff with someone.

Custard. It's just been Christmas, and while I'm no fan of the festive season, I do like custard. And pigs in blankets. Just those two foods (but not together, ewwww) are all I need at this time of year!

The New Year

There are a few days of this tired old year left. I've got my fingers and toes crossed that next year will be so much better. This year has been hard, and I've had enough. All the plans I had for my glittering future came to nowt. There have been the occasional spark of goodness and hope, but mostly it's been a tough 12 months. You don't expect to be jaded at 23, but I am. The infinite promise and hope I had once, has dwindled and gone. I'm jobless, living at home and feeling very small and alone. I've been ill, and tiptoeing on the edge of some abyss all year it seems. So roll on another year, one with some hope and some light because I'm done with this one.

War Sweater - Wakey! Wakey!

This is one of my current favourite songs. It's gorgeous and thought-provoking.



New York is dangerous, littered with thieves
We've no morals here, we just do as we please....
But I don't wanna go home where they all stare at me
cause I'm tattoed, and fired up, and drunk, and obscene...

You wear your religion like a War Sweater.
You ask for the truth, but you know you could do so much better,
and you sat on your fences, you've screamed no retreat...
So now what will your legacy be?

Battle lines drawn if you wonder which side speaks the truth
then look closely to which speaks from pride
I love you. I swear it. I would never lie...
But I fear for our lives and I fear your closed eyes...

You wear your religion like a War Sweater.
You ask for the truth, but you know you could do so much better,
and you sat on your fences, you've screamed no retreat...
So now what will your legacy be?
So what will your legacy be?
So what will your legacy be?

I'm in the mood where I come all untied,
I'm in the mood to say things that'll change people's minds...
I love you. I swear it. I would never lie...
But I fear for our lives and I fear your closed eyes...

You wear your religion like a War Sweater.
You ask for the truth, but you know you could do so much better,
and you sat on your fences, you've screamed no retreat...
So now what will your legacy be?
So what will your legacy be?
So what will your legacy be?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDqKMBP-bO4

A Poem

I wrote this just now, I'm not sure what it means, or what I'm trying to say.

I knew a girl who walked in the rain
She told me it was so the tears don't show
When I asked her why she cried
She said that sometimes she forgot she was no longer broken
And that she could fix herself
Her scars were beautiful like diamonds, like roses, like true love
And she knew that one day all her dreams would be true.

I knew a girl who danced in the rain
And screamed for pure joy
Her heart could be broken
But you'd never know
And her pain glowed lit by the moon
Her smile could melt the iciest of souls
And her eyes like stars
That guide through the storm
Ske knew that one day everything she dreamed would be true
And her scars were beautiful like diamonds, like roses, like true love.

Why I don't like Christmas

Once upon a time there was a little blonde girl who believed in Christmas. Actually she believed in a lot of things, like fairness, and fairies and wishing on a star. She grew up and became disillusioned with most of the things she had believed in. Especially Christmas.
I'm not religious, I was raised in the church, but I grew up with too many questions, and my own opinions that the church couldn't answer. So I cut it loose. My mother still goes every Sunday, and while I've never  said why I don't go, I think she knows. Christmas is for children, they believe in a jolly fat man in a red suit, I do the family present buying. For everyone, including myself. And then I wrap them up and open mine knowing exactly what I'm getting. This is a good thing in that there are no bad surprises, but then again there are no surprises at all. The day itself usually ends with everyone in a grumpy mood with each other, having eaten and drunk too much and had a row. It's a letdown. When you're little you don't see all of this, just fairy lights and wrapping paper, aunts and grandparents and new toys. It's sad to grow up and lose all your childhood beliefs and all the magic in life. Maybe one day I'll find some magic again, just not at Christmas.

A blank page...

My brain sometimes feels like there's too much information in it. Everything I read, anything I see, any tv, radio, song, all of it crammed in there, trying to process it, make sense of it all. It pushes out anything I need to remember, like where the scissors are, or when I need to empty the washing machine, or who called and left a message (and what the message was). It makes me tired, and grumpy and yet, I never stop doing this. Taking it all in. I don't know how to not read, or listen or see. I want to know things, I know that I'll never know everything, but I still want to make an attempt to know more, to see more, to be more. I make lists, of books to read, music to hear, films to see, places to visit, words to use. The list of lists goes on and so do the lists themselves. I need more time. Time to do all these things. And also time to do nothing. I should learn how to be still. And quiet. At peace. Calm. Something I'm not. Perhaps then I'd be able to let go of this crazy rush to do everything on those lists. Maybe I'd even stop with the list making. But for now, that'll have to wait. At least here I can write my lists and my random wisps of thought and ideas down and free up a little space in my mind.